Hi! Stephanie here. I don’t check in as much as I used to. But this one I felt called to pen. Hope you enjoy!
I’m a female and a therapist. I’m a female therapist. It means that a lot of men who land in the therapy chair across from me are a little unsure how not only therapy, but me as a woman, are going to be of use to them. They’re at least open enough to get started – after all, they scheduled, showed up, and committed to payment for at least one session.
But beyond that? They’re generally not total believers.
Yet.
For some men, that’s because they’ve had a poor therapy experience before.
For others, it’s because of their preference to avoid emotions, and their belief that therapy is going to force them into constant vulnerability, emotional exposure, and even 100% talk time around emotions.
Yet others don’t really see why it’s them that has to be in therapy. After all, it’s their partner doing the complaining, nagging, harping about unhappiness in the house.
And you know what? I do get it. Maybe not as a man who doesn’t feel compelled to go to therapy but as a person who has had times in my life that I’ve said “I’ve got this. Just give me a minute.” Or, “the problem isn’t me. It’s <<insert other person here>>.”
But here’s what I’ve learned as a therapist in St. Louis who actually really loves working with men and has seen incredible outcomes on the other side of that therapeutic process with male clients:
1) Men actually can have a great time in therapy.
My male clients and I laugh, a lot. We talk about comedians and music and sports. And when we’re in the “clinical stuff”, they actually find they love learning about psychology concepts, human development, etc. And they also find learning about themselves and the people around them intriguing and empowering….which makes it fun!
2) Their world totally opens up when they learn a few really valuable things about emotions that they haven’t had the advantages of learning as a male in our society.
Listen, we’re all more aligned and set for thriving when our brains, hearts, and souls are fueled to operate on all cylinders. So for my male clients, when that emotional world has a door that gets opened, they have the chance to experience their day-to-day lives in a whole new way. This doesn’t mean everything was *the worst* prior to that. It doesn’t even mean they aren’t experiencing success or joy or hope. But it does mean that there was an element missing.
For some men, maybe they feel that in an existential way. For others, maybe they know something is “off” but just can’t put a finger on it.
Regardless, it’s amazing to see the connections light up in them when they have the space to learn about vulnerability, practice it, and then be held accountable about doing it “out in the real world.”
And when they allow that to happen, life really takes off!
3) They usually have a lot more skills than even the most confident of them give themselves credit for…which means it only takes a little tweaking to be able to apply it and reach major benefits.
The skills I’m talking about here are the ones that society general may discourage because these skills come from being vulnerable and using self-reflection. Not necessarily how most men are oriented to doing life. However, through the power of therapy – and the safety of the relationship between client and therapist – so many strengths and abilities come to the surface, and my male clients are able to navigate the complexities of their inner world.
In doing this work, they leave with communication skills; language around emotions; enhanced understanding of their partner and their partner’s needs; human and child development; and so much more. Armed with this knowledge AND the skillset around how to use it, therapy unlocks wealth of emotional intelligence and resilience.
4) The changes to make for them to experience the outcomes they want…don’t usually take MAJOR overhauls of lifestyle, daily routines, or weekly behaviors.
In other words, while it takes intention, discipline, and commitment to change in ways that will feel new and different, they are absolutely achievable, can even happen sooner than clients often think, and are often easier to implement with bigger impact than expected. An absolute win-win.
This one is pretty straightforward. Men are often hesitant about therapy because they sometimes assume that everything has to be overhauled for changes to happen. And they want the changes, for sure, but if it’s going to take that much effort (and don’t forget—they haven’t been taught the same things as women about doing the work, and undertaking the effort)…do they have it in them?
Turns out, they do!
Small changes go a long way and once they start experiencing those victories, the momentum builds, as does the enthusiasm. And then so does the belief in the therapy process, in themselves, and in other ideas that have maybe been skirting around the periphery of their lives but now can take a central role. It’s incredible.
5) Once they really settle in, they start wanting to learn more, achieve more, and set even bigger goals for the life they want to have.
Most of my male clients come in and set the expectation that they either are just looking for a few sessions or there is only one thing they want to address. What usually happens is that they stay for longer (a lot longer!) than they ever dreamed…..and it is so productive.
When they realize not only how much better they themselves start feeling from therapy, but how much that has a positive impact on those around them (I’m talking: partner; kids; coworkers; friends; etc!), it inspires more work. Makes them want to continue to find additional areas of improvement. It’s momentum almost unlike anything else and watching that…..it’s truly delightful from my therapist chair.
6) They feel better on the other side of the therapy process than they even imagined was possible.
I love this one. This is actually something I get from almost all clients. But female clients often have some idea that therapy can make life better. The skeptics that men are…it makes them a totally different type of believer. And I love seeing any person feel better than they imagined. Because it is sooooo possible. But there’s something extra special in opening up new worlds of emotions, and awareness, and communication for men and then hearing from them that they are experiencing it and feeling it, too…..amazing.
How do we do our best work in therapy for men in our St. Louis therapy practice?
1) Relationship building is crucial.
Like in all good therapy, you and your counselor have to feel connected. As both a therapist for men in our practice and someone who hires the rest of our therapists and works closely with them, I can say that our therapists are pretty darn good at this.
What makes us capable of doing this good work with men is that we: a) don’t force an agenda that doesn’t work for them and b) have a substantial personality on the other side that usually leads to our male clients trusting us, because they get the feeling that we can handle and understand “it” (what they are bringing to therapy) and them (their emotions, but also their beliefs, intelligence, desires, etc).
2) It’s not just “emotional speak.”
I think it’s just as important to build up the teaching side—the content side—in therapy with men. So many men that we work with are cerebral. They are hard-working professionals, carrying the weight of stress from providing for a family. Which isn’t to say the women aren’t those same things, but it is to say that we understand the difference in the lens for men and women in these roles.
So, I (we) talk about the thought process side; the idea side; the intellect side. And we balance that with the emotional side. But we don’t do “all emotions all the time.”
3) Humor can be part of the therapy process.
I laugh a lot with my male clients. Sometimes it’s at something I say as a joke, sometimes it’s a joke they bring. Sometimes it’s something organically funny. Sometimes we exchange our favorite stand-up comedy bits or podcast episodes. But it’s not serious all the time. It’s not some dire 50 minutes together where we MUST get to the root of all issues before doom sets in. This openness to humor and the spontaneity of it goes far; it adds depth and dynamism to the relationship; and it aids the progress toward desired outcomes.
At Marble Wellness, we have therapists for every member of the family. We understand the unique perspectives and situations that men bring to a therapy session and we are here to support you. If you are ready to explore how therapy could benefit your life, contact us today. We will get you matched with a therapist who specializes in counseling for men and together we can find tools and strategies for you to enjoy a calmer, happier, and more fulfilled life.
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Our St. Louis team of therapists have a variety of training backgrounds and areas of expertise. We specialize in anxiety, depression, grief, chronic illness, therapy for men, couples, and maternal overwhelm. We can also help new moms with various postpartum concerns, moms in the thick of parenting, and moms with teens. We can also chat from wherever you are in the state with online therapy in Missouri and online therapy in Illinois. No matter where you are in your journey, we would love to support you.
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