You know the feeling: Life is life-ing HARD. Trials and tribulations are flowing. Maybe it’s work stuff, health stuff, finances, all of the above. School, family, relatives, friends, etc. All of this is overwhelming for individuals, and can take an extra toll on couples who are dealing with their own “stuff” separately.
As a married couple, or at least a couple in a loving, committed, adult relationship, it seems to be the sometimes unspoken, sometimes vowed expectation or understanding that when one person is having a hard time, the other person is able to help. Support. Maybe even “carry” the struggling partner, however possible. This is an absolutely beautiful piece of our community and “village”-focused human existence. However, life can sometimes be a little extra cruel and throw even more at us than we could have expected.
So, what happens when both individuals in a relationship are dealing with extreme stress and hardship separately, at the same time?
Earlier, I talked about this idea of being “carried” by your spouse in times of stress. Yes, it might require your significant other to muster up some additional strength and resources in order to make this happen. But, that’s just what we do for the people we love, right? Unfortunately, that same illustration simply doesn’t work when both partners need to be carried. I have tried to visualize it. I’ve tried to figure out how this can work. (Lots of different leap-frog type scenarios with both individuals taking turns, etc.) But, no matter how I orchestrate this visual, both people end up on the ground. That’s the problem, right? When we are struggling so much that we need the support, we don’t have anything extra to pull from to carry our partner as well. Maybe, for a while, we can limp along on our own. However, even that plan isn’t a sustainable solution long-term. And, sometimes, life’s problems are much more complicated than we could have expected.
What is the solution for couples dealing with individual stresses?
Let me first say that I have not come up with the perfect solution for this problem. There are some possibilities and ideas to pull from, including leaning more heavily on your individual and collective support networks. But, quite frankly, when we get to this point that usually isn’t enough. We’re overwhelmed. Burnt out. When you need to be CARRIED, things are pretty severe. And, even our most well-meaning networks of friends and family members have their own stuff going on. So, it might not be a sustainable solution.
Of course, if you have the resources to hire out any of the essential daily life functions so as to lighten your load, that would be ideal. Being able to take meal prep and planning, housekeeping, laundry, dog-walking, child care, errand running, and any of the other maintenance tasks off of your plate right now would be perfect.
What makes these times of extreme individual stress so difficult for couples?
However, what I am talking about and really grappling with are those times (hopefully, rare) that involve deficits in areas that may compound or contribute to problems in other areas of your life. For example, if you are dealing with unexpected and emergent medical problems, you are also going to be faced with unexpected medical bills as well. Plus, any costs of necessary foods, medications, supplies, etc. to manage the ongoing impacts of the medical problems moving forward. So, hiring help may not be a realistic option! See why this is so complicated?
Now, I will try to explain my proposed solution. Let me be clear, this a perfectly imperfect proposal. I may be showing my age here, but I grew up in a time when family reunions, picnics, and potlucks were HUGE in my community. One of my friends even has a full family theme song and it happily lives rent-free in my head. The community, church or school picnics and potlucks usually had games to them. These games would range from gunny or potato-sack races, to “balance an egg on a spoon and run it across a field” races, water balloon fights, hula hoop contests, AND the infamous 3-legged race. Full-disclosure, I completely sucked at the 3-legged race.
What makes a winning 3-legged race team so successful?
If you don’t know what I’m talking about, let me explain the 3-legged race. You and a partner (who was hopefully the same height, or at least had the same leg length) would stand next to each other with your inside legs tied together. Then, working as a team, leaning on each other for support and in literal lock-step, you would have to move forward to the end of the field to the finish line. If you’ve seen this type of 3-legged race before, you’ve seen a lot of people fall. Falling on their faces, knocking each other over, tip over, crumble…generally, this is going to be the result of ineffective strategy, poor communication, or lack of athletic skill. But HOW are winning teams so successful?
Yes, folks. I asked the internet. Inquiring minds NEED to know! Here’s what I received from our “trusty” AI friends. It may or may not be accurate. Obviously I don’t know! However, I think it makes sense, there’s sound logic involved, AND it can help illustrate my point pretty nicely. Win-Win-Win.
Winning teams in three-legged races often succeed due to a combination of the following factors:
- Coordination and Synchronization: The most crucial element is the ability of the partners to synchronize their movements. Successful teams practice moving in unison, ensuring that their steps are perfectly timed to avoid tripping.
- Communication: Effective communication between partners is essential. Teams that can quickly and clearly signal their movements to each other are better able to maintain rhythm and adjust as needed.
- Balance and Stability: Maintaining balance is key. Teams often practice to develop a sense of stability, ensuring that their center of gravity is well-managed to prevent falls.
- Pacing: Rather than sprinting, successful teams find a steady, manageable pace that both partners can maintain throughout the race. This helps in sustaining coordination and avoiding fatigue.
- Leg Tying Technique: How the legs are tied together can impact performance. A secure but comfortable tying method that allows for some flexibility while ensuring the legs stay together is optimal.
- Practice: Like any physical activity, practice improves performance. Teams that spend time rehearsing their steps and improving their synchronization are more likely to perform well.
- Trust and Confidence: Trust between partners boosts confidence, allowing them to rely on each other and focus on the race without hesitation.
- Footwear and Ground Awareness: Wearing appropriate footwear and being aware of the ground conditions can prevent slipping and tripping, contributing to a smoother race.
Combining these factors, successful three-legged race teams are able to move efficiently and effectively, often giving them the edge over less coordinated teams. ~ Sincerely, ChatGPT
Can Couples Work Together Like a 3-Legged Race?
Interesting. Looking at the list above, I think that there are some possible lessons for couples here! If couples can literally lean on each other during times of extreme individual stress, perhaps we can make it through. There are some foundational considerations like coordination, synchronization, stability, practice, trust, and confidence. Then, there are the more “in-the-moment” skills: communication, balance and stability, and pacing.
The ideas of “leg tying” (making a physical accommodation to accomplish the task), and footwear and ground awareness (equipping yourself with essentials and understanding your surroundings) may also have implications for successful marriages and couples. This idea really might work, don’t you think? I’d love to hear more about how you see individuals successfully navigate their issues while staying strong as a couple.
Consider Couples Therapy in St. Louis, MO
The thing about a 3-legged race is that it is a sprint, not a marathon. There might be an element of “slow and steady wins the race” in the pacing. You MIGHT have to slow down a bit to succeed. But, ultimately, this might have to be solution for couples who desperately want to succeed together, even when life is throwing everything at you individually. A skilled and compassionate couples therapist can help you figure out how to make this process work best for your relationship in couples therapy. If you live in St. Louis and are ready to improve your mental health, we are here to help. However, if you’d prefer to work through individual issues with a therapist online, we have online therapy in Missouri, online therapy in Illinois, and some online support groups starting soon!
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