By Skyler Martin, STL Couples Therapist
In romantic partnerships, conflict is inevitable. Often, couples fall into one of two extremes. Either they engage in high intensity, emotionally charged arguments or they tiptoe around their differences, causing the relationship to slowly deteriorate from unresolved issues over time.
Both options of dealing with conflict damage the relationship in different ways. The hurtful words and ongoing chaos of never-ending arguments lead to relational burnout, personal discouragement, and loss of affection. The passive unwillingness to address issues within the relationship leads to silent resentment, emotional distance, and again, loss of affection.
Rather than fall into one of the two extremes, it’s helpful to navigate conflict using therapeutic principles that can result in effective negotiation and emotional solidarity. Below are five rules that are informed by systems, cognitive-behavioral, and Gottman schools of couple’s therapy to help you effectively navigate disagreements in ways that can draw you and your partner closer together.
5 Rules for Navigating Conflict with Your Partner in STL
1. Use “I” statements, even during conflicts
Rather than giving an explanation for your partner’s behaviors or feelings, talk about your own. Example: I felt sad when you worked late because I was hoping we could have dinner together.
Utilizing “I” rather than “you” can cut down on blaming one another when things are difficult. In the busyness of everyday life, no one wants to feel called out for doing too much or not enough of something. Often your partner will be more responsive to your unpleasant emotional experience than your accusation of what they’re doing wrong or your recommendations on how they should improve.
2. Remove “always” and “never”
In the heat of an argument, it’s easy to think in very black-and-white terms about your partner’s behavior. Avoid “always” and “never,” as well as any other all-or-nothing statements. Instead, point to a direct instance and take responsibility for how it made you feel rather than giving an interpretation of the other person’s behavior. “Always” and “never” statements imply that your partner’s behaviors are concrete, unmovable aspects of their identity.
By saying, “You always forget to take out the trash,” you treat your partner as though change is unlikely or impossible. Even worse, you might be sending the message that whatever the behavioral pattern has been, it’s simply who they are. Rather than conclude that your partner is this or that way, or that they always or never do certain things, remain open and curious to new possibilities.
3. Speak for yourself and not your partner
Avoid acting on the impulse to say, “You just think that…” or “You just want…”. Assume that you don’t know what your partner thinks and get curious. When you feel the impulse to speak for your partner, utilize an “I” statement instead. If your partner feels misrepresented, it is much more likely that they will lash out or shut down. Allow them to define and represent their own position on things. If you are afraid that they are perceiving something about you or the situation in an unhelpful way, inquire about it. Avoiding telling your partner what they think. Instead, ask them.
4. Take a “time-out” rather than shouting during a conflict
Though it can feel natural to raise your voice, shouting communicates disrespect and a lack of concern for the other’s experience. If you feel like you are about to begin shouting, take a time-out (literally, say, “I need to call a time-out because I love you and I don’t want to communicate poorly.”) Don’t allow the time-out to go on for days or weeks. The difference between a healthy “time-out” and stonewalling is setting a date and time for when to resume the conversation to work through the conflict when both people have had the chance to calm down.
5. Summarize your partner’s perspective before responding
Before responding to your partner’s thoughts, give a summary (in your own words) of what they are trying to communicate. Ask them if you are correct. If you’re incorrect, allow them to explain further. Don’t give your own response until you can summarize the point they are trying to make in a way that they agree with. This ensures that each of you are disagreeing over the same thing. Many arguments are escalated and made worse because one or both people are not really being understood. If each person can truly understand what the other is communicating, there is potential to find effective solutions for the problem at hand.
Curious About Couples Therapy in St. Louis, MO?
If you find that you continue to struggle to communicate in a calm and effective way, use these “rules” as a shared set of standards for disagreements. Be kind to yourself and your partner, as you both will certainly make mistakes and revert to old patterns from time to time. Just like any new habit, the more you practice the easier it will become! The more you utilize these concepts during disagreements the more natural they will feel over time If you live in St. Louis and are ready to improve your mental health, we are here to help.
Contact Us!
Additional Counseling Services at Marble Wellness in St. Louis, MO and Chicago, IL
Counseling services are designed to help set you on a path of living a more fulfilled, calm, and happy life.
St. Louis
Our St. Louis team of therapists has a variety of training backgrounds and areas of expertise. We specialize in anxiety, depression, grief, chronic illness, therapy for men, couples, and maternal overwhelm. Our practice also helps new moms with various postpartum concerns, moms in the thick of parenting, and moms with teens. We can also chat from wherever you are in the state with online therapy in Missouri and online therapy in Illinois. No matter where you are in your journey, we would love to support you.
Chicago
Our Chicago team of therapists offers a wide range of mental health services to help our clients through the different challenges and hurdles in their lives. In addition to anxiety, depression, grief, therapy for men, and maternal overwhelm, we specialize in professional burnout, therapy for breakups, and love partnering with working moms.
