Written by Missouri Doula, Danica Wolf, MSW
When on the journey of trying to conceive (TTC), almost nothing else going on matters. Yes life has to keep moving, but it can feel like life is moving around you while you are just standing still. Whether you have been trying to conceive for a relatively short or long time, some if not all of this may feel very familiar.
“How’s it going?” Terrible, thanks for asking.
Of course, everyone’s journey is a little different and that is important to acknowledge. However, I believe there is power in shared experiences, especially painful and even traumatic ones. Of course, the ultimate goal for everyone who is TTC is a hopeful and happy outcome. Which makes sharing the experience with others even more beautiful. There are strengths and shadows to even that element of finding your support network. Well-meaning friends and family members may say hurtful, dismissive, or unhelpful things to you in the process. Again, it is certainly not to hurt, offend or further isolate anyone. But, those can be frequent unintended outcomes of a casual check-in or “How’s it going?” text.
Holding Onto “Hope” While TTC
TTC can be an absolutely crazy-making journey. Not only is your body being tested and micro-analyzed, but your mind is being tested in ways you’ve likely never experienced before. People may tell you to stay hopeful through this process. But, the thing about hope is that it is inherently without guarantee or even assurance. And, hope has no timeline. To the right, you’ll see a picture of my “hope” tattoo on my wrist. While there are numerous reasons for this tattoo– maybe someday I’ll talk about the Green Dot strategy of bystander intervention depicted in the “o”. This tattoo was necessary during a time in my life where hope felt exceptionally difficult to keep hold of. Holding onto hope while trying to conceive can feel like trying to hold onto an inner tube being pulled by a speedboat at the Lake of the Ozarks during peak season. Anyone else?
Connecting to Emotions Through Music
At some point, even the most determined of us want to throw our hands in the air and just give up. I have been listening to a lot of new music lately. There are two songs in particular right now that make me think about any major life change or life transition. Particularly those that are difficult to navigate, hard-fought, and require a level of hope from us that can feel nearly impossible at times. I might be showing my age here, but I remember when the movie “Twister” came out. Being a Kansas-born, Missouri-raised girl, I knew tornadoes were no joke. I literally watched a huge tornado jump over the house I was in down in Tulsa, OK once. But, that movie was still so good! And, I’m pretty excited to see the sequel, “Twisters”, soon.
Is this Hell, or just high-water?
Anyway, as someone who enjoys all kinds of musical genres, including County music, I have thoroughly enjoyed how each song on the Twisters soundtrack has been dripped out slowly over the last couple of months. One song I found particularly moving is “Hell or High Water” by Bailey Zimmerman. To me, this song is incredibly relevant for people trying to conceive or even going through any chronic health, chronic illness crisis. When he talks about not knowing “is this Hell, or just high water?”, it feels incredibly validating. Now, do I think everyone TTC feels this way? Of course not, but quite frankly you clicked on this blog post for a reason. You clicked on a post called “Why is TTC so hard?” so I’m guessing you have felt some kind of way about this process at one point or another. Or, maybe you are just starting or considering trying to get pregnant and wanting to manage your expectations from the beginning. Either way, this song helps to validate those feelings of rage, disappointment, devastation, and confusion. All while grappling with the unknown of what is ultimately to come.
I Am Not Okay
The other song that comes up is a little newer by a multi-genre artist you may know as Jelly Roll. I had the privilege of seeing Jelly Roll, Ashley McBryde, and Struggle Jennings, at what I will forever call the Riverport Amphitheater in Maryland Heights, MO last summer. He’s an incredible artist and has made no secret of his struggle with mental health and medical issues during this life. This song took me a little longer to connect with, but I’ll share the chorus with you here. I think it may very well become the mantra for our TTC and Infertility Support Group later this Summer and Fall.
I know I can’t be the only one
~Performed by Jelly Roll, co-written by Ashley Gorley, Casey Brown and Taylor Phillips
Who’s holding on for dear life
But God knows, I know
When it’s all said and done
I’m not okay
But it’s all gonna be alright
It’s not okay
But we’re all gonna be alright
I’m not okay
But it’s all gonna be alright
Doesn’t that just beautifully sum up the experience? I find myself saying some version of “I’m not okay, but all will be well”, or “It’s not fine, but it’ll be okay.” from time to time. Life can hit us hard sometimes! The TTC season that many of us find ourselves in at some point in our lives is a time when “life is lifeing real hard” and it is okay to not be okay. Truly.
Looking for Support While TTC?
If you are looking for support when trying to conceive. I would love for you to consider the following options. If you are in Missouri or Illinois, and do not already speak with a knowledgeable and compassionate therapist who specializes in maternal mental health (including hopeful future moms), please reach out to Marble Wellness. With counseling offices in St. Louis, MO and Chicago, IL, their team of maternal mental health specialists can help you through counseling in-person or meet you wherever you are via online therapy in Missouri and online therapy in Illinois. If you are looking for more informal but structured support wherever you are in the world from people who genuinely understand some of what you might be feeling, consider joining our TTC & Infertility Support Group. I will be personally facilitating this group in the coming months. It would be my honor to meet and support you through this TTC process!
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