By Cara Peroutka, a St. Louis, MO couples therapist
One of my favorite things to do is watch movies. Now to be honest, I do not get control of the TV much thanks to the people I live with but when I do, typically I have to push pause multiple times because someone usually needs something. It is a lovely feature we have access to because it would be super frustrating to not have it and to miss huge portions of a movie or show.
So, my question for the universe is: “Why don’t we have one for real life?” Pressing pause at different moments when the kids are growing up too quickly or a nice moment happens with our spouse. Just a quick pause to slow life down so it does not fly by us, and we miss it.
Hitting “Pause” Could Help with Low-Level Anxiety, Anger, and Embarrassment
How nice would it be to take a pause when we say something we really don’t mean? You know, when you just need a moment to figure out how to fix the situation.
What if we took a mental pause before we did anything? Literally closed our eyes, took a breath or a few breaths and slowly took a moment to figure out our next move BEFORE we said or thought something that is not helpful. This would be amazing in all relationships but as a couple’s therapist, this would be impressive within marriages.
Life Moves so Quickly, Especially in St. Louis
We live in a society that is incredibly fast paced where we can get news 24/7. We typically know what is happening as it is happening. We have social media platforms where we can instantly see other’s words/thoughts whenever we want. We can share our words and our thoughts with thousands of followers in the blink of an eye. This means our response times are quick. We throw out funny quips, memes, or opinions faster than ever before. Which means we have been conditioned to respond quickly, sometimes one might argue, too quickly. This has so many implications for our lives! And, it can contribute to anxiety, including low-level or low-grade anxiety.
Curb Low-Grade Anxiety With an Intentional “Pause”
What would happen if we took a moment and paused and really thought through what we were feeling and thinking? What would happen if we took a deep breath and just sat with those feelings or thoughts and accepted them before we took action? Perhaps we could take the time to really consider our perspective AND others’ perspectives. How helpful would this be for our relationships and marriages?
Improve Your Marriage Communication With a “Pause”
Within our marriages we are far too quick to retort or respond. We are much, much slower at the skill of listening. As a St. Louis, MO couples therapist, I challenge my couples in therapy to “Listen to Understand”. And let me be clear, not listen to fix or rebut. The goal is simply to understand the other person’s perspective by truly listening.
We are all unique individuals, with our own unique life experiences, and our own unique perspectives. If we take the time to pause and listen to where the other person is coming from, it is possible that we might just slow conflict cycles down and find a deeper understanding of our partner.
How to “Pause” to Deal with Anger, Anxiety, Relationship Communication, and More
So, try these things the next time a situation with your partner evokes a strong feeling in you. This can include moments of anger, anxiety, frustration, sadness, hurt, etc.
- Pause… before anything else, especially before returning fire.
- Breathe… in through your nose, out through your mouth and calm your body which will naturally calm your mind.
- Be curious… ask yourself what might be happening with your partner or what might they be feeling right now.
- Options… think through your choices. Should you respond? Should you take some space? Should you adjust your thoughts so you can listen rather than respond?
- Impact… how will your words, thoughts, and/or actions impact your partner and the relationship? Will the words floating around in your head be helpful or hurtful?
- Move forward with your choice.
This process does not typically take a lot of time but the impact of pausing and thinking through the next step can be so powerful for the relationship. Will you win the fight or be right? Nope, but at the end of the day if someone is winning, then that means someone also must lose.
Life-Changing Pause? Maybe it Can Be!
What if the focus was on “what’s best for us” vs “who’s right/wrong.” The focus would then be on preserving the relationship between two people who have chosen one another, who have chosen to create a life together, and chosen to love one another unconditionally instead of “being right.”
Just something to pause and think about…
Start Couples Therapy or Marriage Counseling in St. Louis or via Online Therapy in Missouri
Marble Wellness has expert STL couples therapists to help you find balance and meaning, even when you are dealing with burnout and overwhelm individually or as a married couple. Whether you live in St. Louis, MO for in-person therapy or want to connect virtually with online therapy in Missouri, we can help. Reach out today to get started!
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St. Louis
Our St. Louis team of therapists has a variety of training backgrounds and areas of expertise. We specialize in anxiety, depression, grief, chronic illness, therapy for men, couples, and maternal overwhelm. Our practice also helps new moms with various postpartum concerns, moms in the thick of parenting, and moms with teens. We can also chat from wherever you are in the state with online therapy in Missouri and online therapy in Illinois. No matter where you are in your journey, we would love to support you.
Chicago
Our Chicago team of therapists offers a wide range of mental health services to help our clients through the different challenges and hurdles in their lives. In addition to anxiety, depression, grief, therapy for men, and maternal overwhelm, we specialize in professional burnout, therapy for breakups, and love partnering with working moms.
